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Last week's Grey's Anatomy was one of the saddest things I've seen in a long time. I don't get emotional about TV shows. I don't get that involved. This episode got me though. |
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Amidst brushing my teeth this morning and getting ready to head out for coffee before clocking 10 minutes late into work, I caught myself think, for just a second, that I had an appointment with my old therapist today. Not because I'm depressed (I'm doing pretty ok right now). Not because I'm stressed (I have an exam at 12:45 today, a paper I haven't started due at 7:10, another exam tomorrow and we're in tech week for a show that goes up Friday so I'll be on stage tonight until 1am at the earliest - and instead of doing anything for any of that I'm sitting here writing an LJ post...clearly, not stressed), or worried about financial stuff (graduating = no loan or financial aid applications this year and my self imposed budget on my minimal income is holding up pretty steadily). I had a mondo shitty day yesterday. Not to be all emotastic or anything, but do you ever have those days where you just feel like everyone else forgot you exist? Just when everyone you know has something going on at the time; work to do, other plans, but you've got absolutely nothing to do but really don't want to sit at home by yourself. I had that feeling a lot during high school, but not so much since coming to college, but yesterday it happened. All I wanted was to spend time with someone, anyone, but no one was available, so I was pretty bummed and annoyed. I did all my chores for the week, and taught myself how to tie a bow-tie. Tuesdays last semester were the days I'd go in at 11-12 to talk to Therapist. At the time, I never wanted to go, but always felt better after so I went anyway. Therapist offered an impartial analysis of my life and the happenings therein; detached from me socially but invested in what was going on because she needed to be to do her job. I want that impartial analysis now. I'd tell Therapist about Sean, and that I ( think... ) |
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My Valentines Day thus far: My boss comes in this morning and goes "Happy Valentines day! I was going to try to be all hip and say "Happy V-Day" but I figured that Oprah's vajayjay comment from a couple years back would have given that a different connotation." Same boss, 20 minutes later storms into the back office (she's a knitter): So there it is, |
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You could interact with someone who is flirtatious and friendly, Jon. This person could express a romantic interest in you. You might meet them through a professional situation, so you'll have to see if you want to mix business with pleasure! At the very least, you might enjoy some stimulating conversation. You'll find it flattering that someone appreciates your qualities so readily! If you're single, you might want to get this person's phone number. A little oddly specific for divination by email... |
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Yesterday at 3 pm, I had no NYE plans and was pretty bummed about it. Yesterday at 5 pm I was sitting on a Greyhound bus headed from Boston to NYC with my best friend from high school for a crazy, last minute, seat-of-your-pants night to celebrate 2007 finally being over and welcome in 2008. Yesterday at 10 pm, we arrived in NYC, dropped off our stuff at a friends place that had a couch to crash on. Yesterday at 11pm we headed out for a night on the town. Today at 6 pm I got back to Boston, wiped out, hungry, unshaven, and so glad that I had the chance to just throw caution to the wind and end, do something crazy and impulsive, and end up in the middle of the one of the best nights I've had in an incredibly long time. Hope everyone else had a Happy New Year! I know I did. |
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Three finals down and only two nights left of work. Jen, one of my other friends from work that's transferring to Arizona had her last day today, and Thursday at midnight I'm gone too. I can't wait. I may be poor and starving after about a month's time with no full time income, but right now that couldn't matter less. With every finished final, every last day of work, and every minute closer to this weekend and the end of this semester and this year, I'm starting to feel a lot more like my old self. It's been said before and more likely than not it'll be said a whole lot more in the future; routine doesn't suit me. It drains the life out of me actually. And now that I'm moving fast away from that routine that's dictated every waking hour of my very long days, I know I'd rather be dead than trapped like this ever again. |
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I need to start going to the gym regularly again. I've lost all the weight I want to lose and haven't gained very much, if any of it back, but I'm starting to think that if I don't start up again soon, I might. I want to tone up and I know the only way to do that is to do weights along with cardio training. Trouble is, even though my newly vamped schedule does afford me more free time than I ever have before, the only time I could go to the gym would be post-midnight, after I get out of my shift at work. So I'm going to give that a shot, starting tomorrow night, and going regularly Monday and Wednesday evenings, with my usual kickboxing routine on the weekend. The kickboxing alone isn't doing the job with toning as far as I want it to, but I'm not moving backward yet so now's the time to push. I'm usually up till about 2am anyway, and with my homework either nonexistant or already done by the time I leave work in the evening, I might as well make use of that time. Not like I have much else going on. Geoff vanished about 2 weeks ago. I asked him out to coffee, he said yes, and then while trying to figure out a good when and where, he disappeared. I think grand total I spent about 10 minutes in person with him between the first time I met him and the random day on the street I bumped into him and he was in a rush, so I know I can't have done something to drive him away. So why not give me a shot? Why say yes to a coffee date only to drop contact before that even happens? I'm not allowing myself to take this one as a personal slight because there isn't anything I could have possibly done to sway this one way or another. Maybe it's just a disconnect, but it's annoying nontheless. |
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And it would appear another one bites the dust. I'm sick of houdini's. That plus this super nasty headcold make Jon a very unhappy boy. |
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I've heard now what I think is honestly one of the most beautiful songs of all time. My roommate wrote it, so none of you will have heard it, and I was shocked when I heard the recording of his little sister (who is phenomenally talented) singing it as an MP3 on his computer. He said he initially wrote it for himself, but the gender pronouns are positioned in brilliantly interchangeable positions that any he can be a she, and any her can be a him. The song is a story about a year long broken heart with a seasonal transition winter, spring, summer to fall mourning the loss of a brown-eyed object of affection. The first chorus starts "and I hope I'm through with crying, cause the winter's cold enough, without frozen teardrops falling, and my frostbitten love." I can't stop listening to it. I already know it by heart. I asked him how long it had taken him to write this, and he goes "oh, a day or two tops." He's one of those people that gets the inspiration for something like this and can just put word and emotion to paper and then to melody effortlessly. When he offered breezily "I could write one for you sometime if you want," I jumped on it. After hearing this song, I would have begged him to write something for me. I have no talent when it comes to creating original pieces of music. I can learn a piece instantly, can sight-read like a pro, can make any song I sing mine, and have a 4 octave range covering the elusive tenor hi C. I can't write music for shit. I've tried, and failed many times and have full notebooks of doomed attempts. I can't wait to see what he comes up with. In other news, things are steady. Things are nice. I had my first session of councelling yesterday morning and I'm happy with the therapist I was placed with. I'd always had a fear of going to therapy. That it would mean I was crazy. But even after just one session, and a whole bunch of "well how does that make you feel?" and a little delving into my past, I'm already starting to learn about how my mind works and why I do some of the things I do. I felt a little guilty about some of the stuff that came up concerning my relationship with family, but it's all valid stuff. Big valid stuff. I definitely think that this 10 week stint with her is going to bring about some good. I've also established contact with the boy from this weekend and he now has my number with a "I'd like to get together sometime," tagged on the message. I have a good feeling about it. Now I just have to be patient. |
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I hate the rules of social interaction and engagement. All those unspoken guidelines about how long you're supposed to wait after getting someone's number before you can call them, or when you can set up a second date. All these time tables that make no sense but somehow are supposed to be able to tell someone that you're stable and balanced on that fine fine line between overbearing and elligible bachelor. |
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I got my tattoo!!! Pictures to come as soon as I steal a camera and get someone to upload them for me. : D |
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The fortune cookie that came with tonight's dinner: "Have a beautiful day" |
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Frighteningly spot on horoscope of the morning: You are very independent and self-reliant, Jonathan. Sometimes you give up on the idea of having a nice romance with someone because of past hurts. You withdraw into working overtime. It's time for you to start healing from the past, and open your heart again in your loved life. There is already someone special in your life who would love to get closer to you. Don't overlook them because you are too caught up in old memories. |
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I need to know better than to think about J or write about him here like I did the other night. Everytime I do, it's like sending out some cosmic signal for him to pop back into my life. Last night I went to a bar with some friends and he was there. Last night, I was introduced to his boyfriend. Let's just say I was sufficiently miserable for the rest of the night and infuriated with my friends for not telling me. How dare they? Yeah, I'm good at holding it in. Yeah, I'm good at pretending everything's OK when stuff like this happens and all I really want to do is put my fist through a wall (and if you go into the upstairs bathroom in Remmington's in DC's Eastern Market, there's a my-sized fist hold in the wall above the urinal stall, whoops); but I should have been told when it happened. I should have been told when it happened so I didn't need to sit there and play nice with a boy that I don't even know but hate to the very core of his being. And I know that's not fair. Call me green eyed. Whatever. When my friend Robin came over me to say "hey are you ok?" I guess he picked up on how I felt by the look in my eye and pulled me into the other, less populated side of the upstairs bar. But I couldn't yell at him. I couldn't scream or punch him like I thought I'd wanted to. All I could do was look at him, feel the tears sting my eyes, and ask, "why didn't you tell me?" He shook his head and said "I don't know," like that was just going to make it better. I don't get very emotional with anyone. The only time Robin has ever seen me cry was the day J dumped me and I couldn't make it to my own apartment. I guess he thought I was just going to be able to brush it off like it was nothing. Like I do with everything else. So I looked up at him, I'm guessing with a tear or two on my cheek and said, "If I knew that the first guy that ever broke your heart was going to be in the same building as you, with a boyfriend, a title that he refused to claim with you when that was all you wanted, I would have told you. This is beyond awkward, and it's beyond painful, and you should have told me so I could have walked out of this bar before they showed up instead of sitting here now, crying in the back of the bar over a guy that I was supposed to be over 5 months ago." I asked him to leave me alone for a few minutes so I could compose myself, asked the bartender if I looked like I'd been crying, and he said something cheesy to make me feel better, "someone as cute as you shouldn't let any man make him cry." I plastered on a fake smile and pretended to enjoy the rest of the night. And now I'm doing the same and going to brunch. Seriously though, when is this going to stop? We had a month and a half long thing, and he dumped me in March. It's fucking August. Christ. |
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Got read the riot act a little while ago by a resident that I've never met before about a misdirected package. She had it delivered to the wrong address. She's a fifth floor and she accidentally had something shipped to one of our townhouses. When the package came in, it was sent to the townhouses; mail being delivered to where it's addressed - fancy that. Anyway, she called down and was asking if we still had it or if it had been delivered because she needed it. It was already gone at the time. Here's what I've gotten to hear today: "For as much as I pay to live here you think at least the front desk would know who I am." "What, so you just send stuff off to whatever address is on the box without double checking?" my responses: "My apologies, but there are 255 apartments in this building, most with 2 or more people living in them. I don't have the entire, ever changing resident list committed to memory." "Yes, typically I see that packages and mail are delivered to the apartments or townhouses to which they are addressed." |
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Woke up to this in my inbox: Today brings a configuration that makes one think of an encounter between two people in love, Jonathan. But wait a bit before rushing off into the arms of someone. You won't exactly be greeted by open arms just yet. If there is some resistance by the person you have met, then don't insist. Wait a week and see if you are still ready to jump into the adventure! If you have forgotten about the person in question in a week, is it necessary to finish this sentence? Why thank you horoscope. Thank you for putting me on the look out. Yesterday you told me I should consider taking my kids to the zoo. But for some reason, when you send me ones like this, I get all hopeful and start looking at any potential guy I meet during the day in a different light. So far today, this has pertained to a resident of mine that works at the university hospital. Ran into him on the Metro on my way in while he was heading back from working a 12 hour night shift. He looked at me and goes "weren't you just there last night till midnight?" And I said yeah, and that I was covering for our day girl cuz we're expecting one of the company's big-wigs to drop in sometime today and the bosslady wanted someone in house instead of a temp. The conversation fell short from there because A) I was lacking caffeine and was running on 5 hours of sleep and B) it's hard to turn the "chat" on before 8 in the morning when I'm not used to working that early or even seeing people until around noon. But I found myself thinking, Hmm, he's cute, a surgeon so smart and relatively successful, and he's always very sweet ...that was when I caught myself and remembered he's a 31 year old resident who's orientation I have no clue about and to stop being such a 12 year old girl because of a stupid horoscope. I get the feeling my entire day is going to be like this... |
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Today has been a very good day. Maybe I shouldn't jinx it while I still have half a shift left before I have to go home, but whatever. |
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grumpy